How to Survive Fresh Air and Open Spaces: The Blogpost

Today's blog is dedicated to those poor souls who have decided to get out of the smog, pollution, the crime and the rat race to move to the country- "..for a slower pace, fresh air and to finally relax."

From zero to 80 mph in 12 seconds.

I hope your Zoloft prescription is still current.

As a long time country girl, I think it only fair that someone who has survived pastoral purgatory let you know what you're really in for. So here you have it, things a real estate agent or those organic farmette rags won't tell you. Hopefully the heads up will help you come to terms with "peace and quiet" when it is anything but. Or save you from a fate worse than Chuck E. Cheese's on a Saturday afternoon.

• There is nothing to eat

Living outside the city limits has the distinct disadvantage of being outside the city limits. There is no coffee shop behind the second maple tree in your back yard. Not even a Starbucks. Or for that matter, a McDonald's express. Coffee is something you will make within the first 5 minutes you crawl out of bed in the morning and will stay on until about 30 minutes before you go to bed at night. Lunch is something in the refrigerator, and its usually not as glamorous as a grilled pannini or muffaletta. Even when you get to the nearest town it's hit or miss for your favorite chain. Usually miss. Learn to make your favorites (or acceptable substitutes) before you turn in the keys to your condo. Otherwise you'll be forced to live on organic zucchini and fresh eggs that your pushy neighbors foist on you (Zucchini is immortal, chickens; prolific) and whatever you can scavenge from the land (dandelion fritters anyone?)

• There is nothing to do

Not only will you starve to death, you (and your kids) will also be bored. Shopping is typically 30 minutes to an hour away from the rural areas and it goes without saying that there are no arcades or waterparks within walking distance of your little farm yard. In true third world standards, there isn't even a public bus line! There's no miniature golf, no movie theaters and no parks. Any teenagers you possibly have will have their development and social lives irrecoverably stunted. This fact isn't really a secret though, your teens and pre-teens will inform you on a daily basis that you're directly responsible for ruining their lives and that they are running away to LA or NYC five minutes after they turn 18. Studies show that rural teenagers frequently read, go outside, and meet friends at school who are in FFA and 4H and are less likely to eat deep fried mall  food every day. Despite what your child will tell you, more people die of zucchini overdoses than of lack of a 4g iphone connection. On the upside, teenage tantrums will become an unexpected source of entertainment for you. Those cute lil teenage problems (algebra homework, the cute girl in 2nd period...) being the end of the world is SO Adorable!!

Doesn't matter if they are 6 or 16, this is still what a parent sees.

• Gasoline is worth it's weight in..... gasoline.

Remember how we talked about how there is nothing in the middle of the country? That's no secret to your gas tank. If you're smart (and lucky) you managed to find a home in the country that is a similar commute in minutes to your job as you had across town when you lived in the big city. The miles may be more numerous, but at least you're moving instead of idling in traffic.
The biggest adjustment you're going to have to make living out of town is effective travel. No longer can you just pop out for dinner or Jamba Juice on a whim or go down to the corner to grab a gallon of milk.
If you want to be efficient with your gas money, you need to think to take care of errands and pick up anything you need while you are in the city for something else.

"Has anyone seen Poofypom?"

If you don't already have one, don't buy a Prius or electric car. Your neighbors will look at you like they would look at Arnold Schwarzenegger walking a Pomeranian in a speedo (the governator, not the dog.) If you have a patch of snow or ice, a flash flood or a mudslide that little tin box isn't getting you anywhere.

Also research suggests that the costs and manufacture of hybrids & electrics and their batteries neither saves you money, nor decreases your carbon footprint (one source of many).
In the country, you might actually have practical reason to own an SUV, especially if it has a trailer hitch for towing and 4 wheel drive, but no one can fault whatever economical get around car you may already have.

• Fresh air is not always fresh

Does not smell like Teen Spirit. Trust me.

City folks, those pastoral photographs of cows, grazing sheep, horses and roosters don't prepare you for the fact that animals stink. Even if you're not interested in keeping animals the chances your neighbors have them anyway is very great. If you show up at a town or county meeting to ask the local government to regulate or outlaw livestock to make the air more pleasant or the pastures more scenic you will be laughed out of the house.
The country is a completely different lifestyle and animals are part of it. If you want a sanitized resort by all means, stay in the city and visit the farmstands and the petting zoos with the kiddies and go back to your sanitary hotel at the end of the day!

If on the off chance you not only love animals, you don't mind living near them too you must do due diligence to research your possible neighborhood before you undertake the move.
A commercial dairy farm, egg ranch or feed lot within a radius of 5 miles can make your paradise in the country unlivable with the changing of the direction of the wind. Even if you get used to it, your guests never will. The crazy cat lady just hopped ahead of you in the social calendar.

• Crime

Living far removed from urbania does not exclude you from the possibility of being burgled. Sometimes it can even increase it. If you live in the city you make wise choices to make your home an unattractive target for thieving. You may choose to live in a gated community with security patrols. You are advised to keep the outside of your home well lit, have a burglar alarm, or a dog if your situation allows. You don't let your young children go off by themselves or play near the street and you have the "stranger danger" talk with them.
There may be fewer people in the country than the city but it still only takes one messed up person to mess with your sense of security. It is wise to take measures to protect what needs protecting no matter where you live.

Rintin when he sees you...

Invest in good locks for your doors and windows, and if you have a gate on your driveway and pastures it's worth the while to lock those as well. Criminals scout easy targets, so make your home a difficult one. A large dog makes a good security guard. If you have valuable farm equipment or tools keep them out of sight from the road at the very least. If your fences and gates are secure you are less likely to have livestock stolen.
Good lighting, good locks, a guard dog and a lack of "cover" will deter all but the most determined crooks.

Rintin to strangers.

On a lighter note, you also need to be concerned with nature's bandits. Raccoons, rats, weasels, polecats, foxes, possums, coyotes, even bears, alligators and mountain lions will happily help themselves to your pets, pet food, or your garbage cans if they are hungry. For best results use trash receptacles that latch and can't spill, don't leave pet food outdoors overnight and keep your small dogs and cats indoors at night. If you intend to keep chickens there are numerous articles on the web that will tell you how to predator proof your coop. Read some of them.

• Nature will laugh at your efforts (and probably poop on your head)

On bugs--there is very little you can do about them. Screen in your porch and get a lifetime supply of citronella and Avon Bug Guard Plus. If you have ducks, they will put a dent in mosquitoes, slugs, destructive beetles, flies and other outdoor ground level insects.

Remember that lovely orchard or alfalfa meadow across the fence from you? It attracts bees. It not only attracts bees it relies on bees to be productive. If there are not enough bees, the farmer will likely rent bees. Spraying your property with pesticides is not an effective option. Not only will you have poison chemicals around your yard, it won't actually keep the bees away. If anything it will kill the whole hive due to colony collapse disorder and your neighbor with the field or trees will probably just rent more bees. Hopefully, your home is not in the line of the bees "cleansing flight" (if it is, you should have taken my advice of "due diligence") The best thing to do with bees is learn to live with them. If you can do that, you might even consider keeping a hive of your own for natural honey. Your neighbor may even appreciate not having to rent bees anymore.

On birds- there are strategies for keeping wild ducks out of your swimming pool, crows away from your garden, and pigeons off your house. Take a minute and google them for yourself. What am I? Wikipedia?

• Neighbors

It is an inevitability that if you own grazing animals, one day, one or more of them WILL break out of their fence and your neighbor will find them destroying his or her garden one day. If you don't own animals, it is an inevitability that one of your neighbor's animals WILL break out of their fence and you will find them destroying your garden.
Maintaining good relations with your neighbors is vital to contented country living. A bad neighbor relationship can literally turn your dream into a nightmare. I've experienced everything from vandalism and theft from an angry neighbor, to false police reports, to having my animals maliciously poisoned.
For best results take into consideration how good the neighbors are before purchasing a rural home. You should be introducing yourself before putting down earnest money anyway to get the real scoop on the land (a realtor will do his best not to let slip if a property is on the market because the previous owner found it unlivable due to flooding, snake migration, outbreak of parvo, haunting or a drunken redneck neighbor.)
It is vital when living in the country to have someone nearby to call on in an emergency situation (you need to be driven to the hospital, you've got an injured animal, your husband drank the last cup of milk, you need a REAL opinion on the color you painted your bathroom.)

• Fences

One of the least disturbing google images for barbed wire scars.

If you want to keep large animals like horses in and large animals out, you need fences about 6 ft. high. Chain link is in my experience the most economical safe option for horses, dogs and goats. Barbed wire is evil. The first time you have to cut a horse (or worse, a wild deer) out of it you will never want to use it again. I've heard of a lot of animals that had to be put down because of it. Luckily never one of mine (and I do mean luckily.)
Horsewire and hogwire can be acceptable fencing for certain uses. Wood fencing is durable, safe and rustic. White vinyl panel fences are safe, attractive and clean looking (you can also attach wire to the back of them.) Do not attempt to use chicken wire for chickens. Hardware cloth and small box wire is better protection and safer.
Even if you don't care to keep animals in or out it's advisable to put a fence on your property line just to keep track of it.


Well country-folk, my out door chores beckon. If I haven't frightened you off yet, be sure to tune in next time for the low down on how much money and energy it will take to maintain your rural lifestyle. Or maybe I'll just post some of my many uses of zucchini. Or at least a How To on killing the damn things and putting an end to the global zucchini crisis.